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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27873337">but i'd trade it in an instant for a sign</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/boyscoutpaladin/pseuds/boyscoutpaladin'>boyscoutpaladin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>"i'll keep you warm." [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Not Another D&amp;D Podcast (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, First Kiss, First Relationship, Minor Character Death, POV Second Person, Pre-Canon, Spoilers for Episode 35, and this is just how i cope w things now apparently, no one look at me, second person pov is fun to write dont @ me, sorry i know some ppl think thats kinda yikes but i cant help it, this is just me being really really sad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 14:17:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,744</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27873337</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/boyscoutpaladin/pseuds/boyscoutpaladin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Gemma Bronzebeard.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gemma Bronzebeard/Hardwon Surefoot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>"i'll keep you warm." [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2156832</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>but i'd trade it in an instant for a sign</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>major spoilers for episode 35 of naddpod !! don't read if ur not there yet !! &gt;:(</p><p>the title is from "debt" by eliza mclamb. it's a very gemma song for me i listened to it on a loop while i wrote this</p><p>also, trigger warnings for a brief, non-descriptive mention of physical abuse and a non-graphic stabbing.</p><p>i promise i tried to do the math on their ages and i just kind of gave up. in this fic, hardwon is two years older than gemma. i also don’t know how gemma and hardwon even met? so I came up with something. that’s actually a good description for this entire fic: i didn’t know anything so i made it up. i’m only on episode 53 at this point so i can live in a period of bliss where they didn’t go to irondeep and ruin the stuff i made up. </p><p>one last thing: a very big thank you to my best friend @NerdyBirdy6602 for emotional support - i'll talk more about her in my longer author's note at the end. :-)</p><p>okay that's all ! please enjoy !</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your name is Gemma and you're fifteen years old and most people act like they know everything about you just from knowing that. Your last name is Bronzebeard, which means something because people who died a long time ago said it did. And they told their children and their children told everybody else and now whenever you leave the house you have to walk with your whole family and look your best and stand straight up like you don't have to prove yourself to anyone, but you could if you had to.</p><p>Legacies and honor, your father says, are like mountains: unchanging, unavoidable, unbreakable. <em>But we did break the mountains,</em> you want to say. <em>We break them down bit by bit every day and we'll keep doing it until we suffocate or it collapses down on top of us. That's all we know how to do.</em> You open your mouth to speak but your sister elbows you in the side, so you don't say anything. But you don't make any promises about next time, either.</p>
<hr/><p>Your name is Gemma and you're sixteen years old and your father is finally letting you go out into town by yourself. Actually, you're not totally alone; your sister is there, and she almost always follows the rules, but it's still better because you can stop and look at the stalls and shops for as long as you want. Well, as long as Jaina lets you, anyway.</p><p>It's late afternoon turning into early evening, which is your favorite time of day. It gets dark here so early most of the time, but it’s beautiful when the sun starts to set. The orange light bounces between the mountain ridges, and the way it looks against the deep blue indigo of the mountains in the fast fading light makes your chest feel light in a way you almost never get to feel otherwise.</p><p>You're enjoying the evening - trying to, anyway - when there's a sudden crash and angry shouting. You look away from the sky and quickly find the source of the commotion: a vendor's display has been knocked over by a dwarf. Wait, not a dwarf - he's far too tall. The angry salesman is yelling and pointing his finger harshly, but the fact that he has to tilt his face up so much to do it almost makes you laugh. You spot a bit of movement at the corner of your vision and see a group of young dwarven children with dirty faces and patched clothing quietly approach the other side of the vendor's stand, grab as much bread as they can carry, and scramble away, all while the vendor is distracted.</p><p>Your eyes shift back to the not-dwarf. A human, probably. You haven't seen many humans in your lifetime - there aren't many that pass through Irondeep - but you know enough to take a guess. This one looks about a foot taller than you and he has long red hair that he's pulled back into a braid. He's got on light armor, but it's all worn and scuffed, and it looks like it’s a couple sizes too small - it probably used to belong to a dwarf. His hands are raised in surrender, but his stance is strong, like he works and works hard or like he's got a chip on his shoulder or like he's got something to prove or maybe all of it at once.</p><p>The vendor seems to be done yelling; he points his finger and barks incoherently once more before sighing and waving the boy away. As the boy turns to leave, he sees you and stops for a moment. A streak of bright orange light falls across his face in a solid line. His bright blue eyes light up with a quick flash, like the spark on the head of a match, or maybe on a stick of dynamite. You can't quite tell from so far away, but you're hoping that someday you get to figure out which one it is for yourself.</p><p>Then, the flash is gone. He nods at you, once, before moving out of the light and around a corner. Jaina shakes your arm, telling you it's time to go home, and it takes you a few seconds before you can remember where you are.</p>
<hr/><p>Your name is Gemma and you’re seventeen years old and you finally know who that boy is that you saw in the marketplace so long ago. At dinner one night, your father complains about someone causing trouble in town. Your father says he's the only human child in the dwarfanage and you perk up without thinking. Your sister notices, but you don't answer her questioning expression. You feel her eyes on you as you ask your father what the boy's name is. He looks at you and raises an eyebrow, but answers: "He calls himself Hardwon Surefoot."</p><p>You nod and look back down at your plate. You wonder if you'll ever see him again.</p>
<hr/><p>Your name is Gemma and you're eighteen years old and you've never kissed a boy, although you'd like to. Unfortunately for you, your father is still strict as ever and won't let you meet anybody. You've got friends, other girls at court, but you don't really like them; something about the way they hold themselves like models sitting for a painting makes you feel uneasy. So you spend a lot of time with your sister, reading and learning how to be a proper lady of court, all the while trying to find out who you are while stumbling around in the dark. And then you meet Hardwon, for real this time. And it's not a grand chandelier or even a flashlight, but it's a spark and a spark's enough.</p><p>One night he takes you up into the mountains. Not too far away from town, but to a small cliff overlooking the city. You've stolen some snacks from the castle kitchens and brought them in a bag. You don't think it's much, but Hardwon's eyes widen when you show him the food. You notice him slipping some of it into his pockets out of the corner of your eye. You don't say anything when you turn back to look at him.</p><p>"You can see all of Irondeep from here," you say.</p><p>"Except the mines," Hardwon says. "Almost looks beautiful, like this."</p><p>"You don't like it here?" </p><p>Hardwon shrugs and looks down as he traces a finger along the surface of the rock you’re both sitting on. "It's hard, sometimes. but it's all I've ever known."</p><p>"Me too," you say. "I’d like to get away someday."</p><p>Hardwon looks over at you, eyebrow raised. "Away from Irondeep or away from your father?"</p><p>This time you look away. You focus on the inches between where his hand and yours rest on the rock. "He's not so bad."</p><p>"He takes care of you, yeah," Hardwon says. "And I've never met the guy personally. But from what you've told me, it doesn't seem like he cares about what you want to do as much as what you should do."</p><p> "I guess," you say. "But, to him, those should be one and the same."</p><p>"They shouldn't have to be," Hardwon says, and you feel him take his hand in yours. It's calloused and rough and firm, dirt forever under his short fingernails. As you look at both of your hands, you shift your hand in his so that your fingers interlock. You can feel his eyes on you. You lift your head to meet his gaze and are almost paralyzed by the intensity and certainty behind his eyes. "He shouldn't get to control everything you do," he says. "You have a right to your own life."</p><p>No one's ever spoken to you like this in your entire life. If anybody heard this, your father could have Hardwon taken care of and no one would ever hear from him again. And no one would miss him, probably - just one less hungry mouth for the dwarfanage to feed. He's got nothing to lose except his own life and even that he's basically giving to you, now. There's a swelling feeling in your chest, something you couldn't name or ignore if you wanted to. And you don't.</p><p>He squeezes your hand lightly, once, still looking into your eyes. "So. What do you want?"</p><p>You don't hesitate before leaning in and kissing him.</p>
<hr/><p>Your name is Gemma and you're nineteen and you have kissed a boy, several times, despite how much of a pain in the ass he can be. Almost everyone knows that the two of you are together by this point. You told your sister almost immediately after you kissed him for the first time. Most of the Bronzebeard servants and guards are smart enough to connect the dots about your long walks in the forest and Hardwon's absences from the dwarfanage. And gossip travels fast in Irondeep. So everyone knows, but no one ever says anything about it. Not to you, at least. And, although you hate to admit it, that stings a little. Hardwon will never accompany you to a dance, or attend dinner with your parents, or court you in an official capacity. You meet in shadows, under the cover of night, with stolen time, and it's never enough. Your relationship is almost entirely unacknowledged by the world, and it'll probably stay that way forever.</p><p>You're in your room one night when you hear a knock on the glass doors that go out to your balcony, shielded by a curtain. You tense up for a moment and grab your dagger before realizing that there's only one idiot in Irondeep so reckless that they would try to break into the Bronzebeard estate. You approach the door cautiously and feel your eyes narrow as you draw back the curtain slightly and find, to your unsurprised annoyance, Hardwon crouched down and pressed against the door, trying not to be seen by any guards. You crack the door and usher him inside.</p><p>As soon as you pull the curtain back to cover the glass, you spin around to face him, feeling your father's anger when you speak and hating it but not being able to hold it back. "Hardwon, what are you <em>doing</em> here?"</p><p>Hardwon furrows his eyebrows slightly, like it should be obvious. "I wanted to see you."</p><p>It's sweet of him to say, and you know he means it, but you can't help but press onward. "You could've been seen! You could have fallen off the balcony or gotten shot."</p><p>"No, never," he says seriously, like he hadn't even considered the possibility. You roll your eyes and cross your arms. He can be impossible to talk to when he gets like this.</p><p>He steps closer to you and puts his hands on your shoulders. You keep your arms crossed, but you tilt your head up to meet his gaze - intense and unwavering as always. You've only seen the ocean once, as a very young girl. Looking into his eyes reminds you of it, sometimes. Like you're adrift in the middle of an endless sea, directionless and unbalanced and only blue as far as you can see. And then you blink, and you're back in your body and standing before you is a boy that you know would do anything for you without you even asking, which is electrifying and terrifying all at once.</p><p>You let your arms fall to your sides and lean into him, resting the side of your face on his chest. You lift your arms to wrap around his sides as he shifts to hold you the same way. "I missed you," he whispers, his mouth right by your ear.</p><p>"I missed you, too," you whisper back, and something pangs in your chest when you realize it's true. It's scary to have somebody mean so much to you when people leave and die and betray other people all the time. It’s something about yourself that you can’t protect, despite how terrifying vulnerability can be. But you don't want to think about that right now. Instead, you pull back slightly and he leans down to kiss you and that's all you think about for a while.</p>
<hr/><p>Your name is Gemma and you’re twenty years old and your relationship with Hardwon ends for the same reason most of the things in your life happen: because your father demands it. You really tried, but your father hates begging and he hates insolence even more. Despite knowing this, you’re still ashamed that a well-placed strike across your cheek and a clipped “You are never to see him again. Ever.” were enough to shut you up. You wonder if it's better that it happened this way.</p><p>Pretty soon after, you decide that, no, this is not better, and that you wish it had been a massive screaming match in the streets of Irondeep, ending it all for everyone to see. Because at least you would have done it on your terms. You would have been able to say goodbye.</p><p>But there’s no closure. Hardwon just - isn’t there anymore. There are guards stationed outside your apartment now, to make sure no one gets in and you don’t get out. Your father starts mulling over potential suitors for you, trying to decide which one will be the best for the Bronzebeard name. It is not a conversation, and even if it was, you wouldn’t be a part of it. Jaina tries to be kind to you, right after, but she never understood what you saw in him in the first place.</p><p>The wound that it leaves doesn’t get to heal; it’s left open, and festering, on the inside of your chest. You are the only one who knows it’s there, and you realize that you’re just going to have to sew it up yourself. And if you shed a few tears while you do it - well, no one’s around to see, anyway. You keep breathing. You get up. You keep moving forward. It’s what you have to do.</p>
<hr/><p>Your name is Gemma and you’re twenty-three years old and you’re standing on a balcony in Frostwind with the first boy you ever loved. And you’re supposed to be getting married, but not to him. Your husband-to-be is nowhere to be found, actually, which is super weird, but you don’t even have time to worry about that because if anybody finds out that Hardwon is here, they’ll tell your father and then you’ll both be killed.</p><p>Hardwon is wearing a sharp, charcoal-colored suit, which he probably just got to sneak in to the party downstairs, but it’s still weird to see him in something that looks so expensive. He’s got a new scar on his cheek. His hair is longer than it was the last time you saw him, but it’s done up in these strange knots that you’ve never seen before.</p><p>It’s been a few years since you’ve seen each other, so obviously he looks different. You don’t know why you’re surprised. But some things are the same. He’s still as stubborn as ever. His ego is still ridiculously oversized. He’s still handsome, in a rugged way. And he still has that softness in his eyes that he only ever got when he looked at you.</p><p>And you know it’s a bad idea, but. There’s no one around. And you really did miss him. You really did love him. Maybe you still do.</p><p>So you kiss him.</p><p>You kiss him, and he kisses you back, and it’s wonderful. For a moment, you forget about where you are and all of your responsibilities. For a moment, you're sixteen in the marketplace, eighteen on the edge of a cliff, nineteen in a dark hallway, twenty in your bedroom just before it all ended. And it's good. You feel really good. You think, <em>Maybe things are gonna work out somehow. Even if this is goodbye for me and Hardwon.</em></p><p>And you don’t even get a chance to pull fully away before you feel the icy, sharp pain of the knife in your back.</p><p>You feel his shoulder under your hand. You try to look up to see his face and you’re barely able to lift your head. He looks panicked and confused. You feel the warmth leaving your body. You feel him catch you as your knees buckle. </p><p>And then your eyes fall shut and you don’t feel anything at all.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you for reading!! this is so niche so i'm surprised anybody is reading this, honestly but thank you!!</p><p>i honestly cried over gemma dying as much as, if not more than, i cried over the marabelle arc. both of them devastated me emotionally. but for whatever reason, i was compelled to write this insanely niche fic about a dnd podcast npc that literally gets to talk for like 4 minutes before immediately dying. no one look at me i know i have brain rot</p><p>i would like to proclaim all of my love and support for my best friend @NerdyBirdy6602 !!! she doesn't even fucking listen to naddpod but she lets me talk to her about it for several hours a week. i told her i was writing this and she was like “i’ll read it, i just won’t know what’s going on or who any of the people are.” i cant figure out how to link to her ao3 account but go look her up she's wonderful</p><p>my d&amp;d twitter is @boyscoutpaladin if you want to see me be insane some more</p><p>alright i'm done now! thanks again for reading, and have a good day! callooh callay!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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